Life can change…or quit judging me.

After struggling financial the first five years of marriage, we were finally starting to make it. We were having our dream home built, we had a perfect credit score (creditors were always shocked to see this), we had all our debts, other than the house, paid off, we were building savings and 401ks. We could buy nice clothing from nice stores and we could even go out to eat weekly. We were doing great. We continued on the path for a few years. Life was going great, financially.

However, my husband was not being very nice. (in other words a total jerk, we might go into that later), so we got a divorce. I went back to work. After the divorce was final, I was able to refinance my home and then able to buy a brand new car. I had savings after a year, 401K, and insurance for me and my kids. Life was good for a while.

A couple of factors came into play here. 1. I started dating loser men who would have me charge stuff to my credit cards, and then not pay me back. 2. I had family members telling me I had to go back to school because I would not be receiving child support forever. 3. Work was cutting back everyone’s hours. So I went back to school. Going back to school required me to cut back my hours even more and I lost most of my benefits. And before I knew it I was up to my ears in student loans and back into the welfare system. I HATED it!!

After about a year of school, my ex decided to do a disappearing act. (Another long story for another day.) Now I was no longer receiving child support. My ex became$40,000 behind in child support and alimony.  My church leader was hesitant to help. (He thought all divorcees didn’t deserve help). My family was unable to help, and I could not get more hours at my job. I spend every month deciding the lowest amount I could pay without my house or car being taken away. I just kept holding on with the hope that once I finished school I would be able to find a job and fix things financially.

But life had another plan for me. I graduated just as Obama put a hiring freeze on all government jobs. He was also laying off a lot of people. Every job I interviewed for I was competing with people up the 20 years of experience. The job market was so bad, I was not able to even get a job in the mall.

After a few more months, I decided I had to sell my house. I was unsure where I would go or what I would do, but I knew I could no longer keep my house. I talked to my mom later that same day and she offered to let me and my children move in with her. As she is elderly, it was a win-win situation, I thought.

We moved in three months later, but all of a sudden my other family members were angry with me and judging me. I got a job. It was not in my chosen field, in fact most of my supervisors were not even high school graduates. I was getting so I could move out but it would be tight. However, mom did not want me to and I was seeing how she struggled with things.  So, I stayed.

After a few years, I developed my chronic complex migraines (migraines with stroke like symptoms). I was unable to move most days. While we getting it diagnosed I went through almost every test imaginable. And I grew more and more dependent on my mom, financially and physically.

My family perceived this illness as being lazy and decided I was taking advantage of my mother. So they convinced her we did not belong there and one day we were all of a sudden kicked out. We were homeless. A long way from being on top of the world. Having my migraines and having no job it was hard for us to find a place. I was not receiving social security yet. So I went and got job where I only went in a couple of days a week. My children went to school so they could student loans so we could live. (it was still a huge struggle though) Once I got my disability I was able to quit work, because even though it was only one day a week, I couldn’t handle any more, it was still to draining for me.

We are still struggling a lot but people do not realize it. My income is $750 a month and rent is $600 plus utilities. Needless to say we are still on food stamps. I also have medicare and Medicaid. My daughter is in the process of getting disability as well, but she has no insurance. We were able to get on a program that with her psychiatric problems we pay a minimal amount for office visits and her medications. But that still takes a big chunk out. And we won’t even think about her other health problems at this time.

So, we were figuring out how to make it. We were babysitting our landlords animals, so he knocked some rent off and that helped. But then he decided to move. We have new landlords that have upped the rent and keep expecting us to do things that cost more money. We are unable to do this. We are now on a waiting list for low-income housing. We are very excited to move in there.

People are shocked when they see my with my missing teeth (because I can’t pay for regular dental check ups), my gray hair that hasn’t been cut in a while, and my crappy car, that I was once on top of the world. They do not realize how quickly life can unravel.

So before you judge me or anyone else who are in a lower economic status than you, realize that you could be here in no time at all too.

Am I crazy, insane, and broken?

These are the thoughts that have been going through my head for a couple of years now. I have been getting this kind of feedback from my family for many years. They don’t say it in those words. And I have grown to believe them myself. I have been driving myself insane with those thoughts constantly going through my head. So, I finally broke down and sought therapy.

This is not the first time I have been in therapy, I have been in therapy a lot. I have tried to resolve issues such as being molested by many people, being in an abusive relationship, feeling abandoned, overcoming addiction, and being thrown out into the streets with my children by my family.

During these therapy sessions, I just did the bare minimum to try to resolve them. I still had to be strong to take care of my children. I was afraid that if I really let everything come out, I would not be able to put the pieces back together. I was also afraid to let the therapist really see inside. I was afraid if the therapist heard everything they would take my children away. I was afraid.

I am still afraid to really let therapy happen, but I am not hiding things or putting up fences again. I am not putting on my mask to cover the pain. I am tired of constantly having battles with myself. I am tired of hiding when the emotions surface. I am tired of not being able to live a happy, healthy life.  I am just plain tired.

I have been in 4 times now, and something major has come up. I have a monster that emerges every once in a while. It was there when I went into therapy. We decided to look into what the monster is all about. That was 2 weeks ago. Something major came out. We are still not sure what has surfaced, but it has been working a number on me. I am afraid, the monster petrified me. I have been having panic attacks which I have not had for years. And even then I only had a few. I have been unable to sleep. This is very real.

Like I said, I don’t know what “it” is, but I am excited to have it resolved. I know it will be a lot of work. I know it may be debilitating for a while. I am so ready to live my life! I will keep you posted on my progress. Wish me luck!

I have been very distracted. Forgive me!

As with everyone else in the world, life has been a little chaotic lately. I can name specific things, but can’t name them all. I have let the chaos in my life distract me from writing.

I have realized in the reflection of what to share for you from my life, I realized I needed some outside help. I made an appointment with a therapist. However, after the initial intact interview they would not make me an appointment. (someone else needed to see me due to my insurance) I kept calling and leaving a voicemail, but no one every responded. It took almost 3 months until I got a call back. I had given up on them.

I finally got to speak with a therapist. I am very self-aware and educated. I have had a lot of therapy and I was going to school to hopefully be able to do it. Usually when I speak with therapists I am able to determine what they are doing and I use my mind, instead of dealing with my feelings. Another problem is I mask my pain with smiles and laughs.

This time I was not going to do this. I needed help and I was going to get it. So while I have been in the sessions, I have had to catch myself doing the things I usually do and stopping them. I actually cried in the last session. That is something I have not done while in therapy for many, many years.

I have spoken up and let the therapist know what I need. This has been hard but wonderful. I have not liked people seeing under my mask for a long time, because I am afraid of being hurt. However, I realize to experience joy I have open myself up to being vulnerable. (Watched an amazing Brene Brown talk about vulnerability)

Even though therapy has been hard, I feel it is helping better than anything for quite some time. I do watch ted talks, read self-improvement videos, and have even been participating in the Mike Tuttle “Love your life in 30 days” challenge.All of these things are working together to make it possible for me to be the best person I can be.

So, while I try to make sense of the chaos, I will try to include you in the journey as well. I hope you are making sense of the chaos in your life. We can make it through this life by helping each other.